Rugged Terrain
by narwhalpuppy
Summary: Todd is unable to pay some drug dealers. Unable to come up with the money that he owes. Bojack and his friends compete against each other on the History Channel show Mountain Men.


BoJack Horseman Presents

A Narwhal Puppy Production

Rugged Terrain

As one can see in the land of Hollywoo, in a movie studio in the middle of the city. Bojack Horseman was there auditioning for a remake of Mutiny on The Bounty. In a waiting room. Bradley H. Smith his former co star was excited to work with Bojack again.

"It's a pleasure to be working with you again." Bradley proudly stated.

"This time instead of a sitcom, we are in a movie!" said Bojack Horseman.

A man walked into the waiting room, "Bojack! Bradley! Report to the set!" The set looked like the historical movie. Bojack was playing the part of Captain Bligh. Princess Carolyn was there to show her support. Mr. Peanutbutter was there as well. Though, Mr. Peanutbutter could not help but laugh at the 1700s styles costumes Bojack had to wear for the part. The other actors in the movie consisted of humans and animals. Bradley H. Smith his former co star on Horsin' Around played the part of John Mills.

"Don't blow this, BoJack! Don't blow this!" chanted Princess Carolyn to herself. "He looks like he could audition for being the Quaker Oats Mascot, forget Mutiny on The Bounty!" laughed Mr Peanutbutter. Hoping Bojack doesn't mess this one up. Bojack says his lines a Bradley looked at him, "If any officer, mariner, or solider in or belonging to the fleet. Shall face himself with contempt for his behavior on the to his superior officer, That superior officer being the executor at his office. He shall be punished according to the nature of his defense. 2 dozen lashes! Ships company, on hats!" Abe D'Catfish who was directing said, "CUT! Take five!"

"How did I do?" asked Bojack.

"Did we do good?" asked Bradley.

"Will this movie ensure my big comeback?" asked Bojack.

"What in the hell was that, Bojack?" spat Abe D'Catfish.

"Look, I know we have that clash in the past. I didn't really mean it when I said your movies were shit..." Bojack said before being cut off.

"This has nothing to do with that! Didn't look like you were into playing this role. How do you expect to make a comeback with a demeanor like THAT? What was I even smoking when I thought you'd be good for a Mutiny on the Bounty remake!" yelled Abe D'Catfish.

"Before I auditioned for this, I watched that Trevor Howard guy play this role and wanted to play it the way he did." explained Bojack.

Abe D'Catfish yells at both Bradley and Bojack, "GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU! You are NOT movie material!"

Mr. Peanutbutter, Princess Carolyn leave the studio and walk into the audience and Bojack and Bradley followed them.

"Thought I had this in the bag! Being in a historical movie like this." moaned Bojack.

Some hoodlums broke into the studio and threw rocks and bottles and Bojack and Bradley. "THOSE COSTUMES ARE (BEEPING)ING LAME! GO HOME!"

"Knew you were going to blow this!" laughed Mr Peanutbutter. "Leave him alone." defended Bradley.

"Tomorrow's another day. We'll just find another movie for you to be in." said Princess Carolyn.

Bradley began, "Princess Carolyn is right. In time we will find something. You can star in my spin off Ethan Around if you would like. Screw it, I'm going home."

"No No No. It doesn't get much worse than this." Bojack said depressed.

Todd Chevez runs into the studio. He looked like he was in distress.

"What are you doing here, Todd?" asked Princess Carolyn.

Todd confessed, "I'm on the run from the Mexican Drug Cartel!"

"How did that happen? asked Mr. Peanutbutter.

"I owe them money. Didn't realize how broke I really was. Remembered I spent my last of my money on my last fix. Then when I got the drugs from the Mexicans, they wanted me to pay. I told them I didn't have any money and I will pay them once I did. They've been after me ever since."

After Todd spilled his guts about why he needed help. Two unusual looking men came down from the audience. One of them asked, "Did you just say you needed some money?"

Princess Carolyn, Mr, Peanutbutter, Todd, and Bojack all saw them. The men were Tom Oar and Rich Lewis from the reality show Mountain Men.

"Hi, I'm Tom Oar!" "And I'm Rich Lewis We are from the reality show Mountain Men."

Everyone shook their hands. "What brings you all here to Hollywoo?" asked Princess Carolyn. Tom Oar explained, "We would like for BoJack Horseman to be on our show." "Bojack, bring your friends, too!" said Rich Lewis. Bojack was at first hesitant about the idea of being on a reality show. "No. I may be an almost forgotten hasbeen, but I will not put myself on the level of Kardashian by humiliating myself on reality TV!" the horse actor protested. "If you go, we will give you a mission to do, then whoever of your friends completes it first..." Tom Oar said. "Gets a cash price of $5000!" Rich Lewis said. "I sure as hell need the money! Come on, Bojack! Do this!" Todd practically having to beg.

"Still refusing!" said Bojack shaking his head back and forth. Princess Carolyn decided to give him a pep talk, "A lot of washed up hasbeen sitcoms actors such as yourself always try out for Reality TV. Ever heard of VH1's The Surreal Life?" "You're not talking me into it, Princess!" Bojack said holding his head up. "I know Reality TV isn't your style, but if you want to make a comeback. Put yourself out there! You need to get your shit together!" shouted Princess Carolyn.

Bojack changes his mind, "Okay, All right. Mountain Men it is!" Mr. Peanutbutter asked Tom Oar and Rich Lewis, "Where do you guys live?" "Montana. We can book you all a flight tonight!" said Tom Oar. Bojack, seemed to have no other choice. Todd needed the money to pay off the Mexican Drug Cartel. So Bojack and his friends were on their way to Montana to go on Mountain Men.

"Mountain Men. What channel are you dudes on?" asked Todd.

"Our show airs on the History Channel!" answered Rich Lewis.

"Get ready to get down, dirty, and rugged! Oh, and since the four of you are going. You both have to split into teams." Tom Oar advised.

"Montana here we come!" said Mr. Peanutbutter.

"At least it's on a so-called 'educational' channel." said Bojack. "Do people even watch it? Is it popular?"

"I can imagine it is. Let's all get our asses to Montana! ASAP!" Princess Carolyn ordered clapping her hands.

The Mountain Men Theme Song plays. Tom Oar and Rich Lewis were outside their cabin announcing the show. "Good evening! Welcome to Mountain Men!" Tom Oar said to the screen. "Right now, we got a very special show for you tonight! Tell them, Tom." said Rich Lewis. "Joining us in this program tonight, we have some actors who were very famous in the 90s for their sitcoms!" said Tom Oar. Rich Lewis continued, "That is correct! You'll never believe who we just sent on a mission! It's...none other than Bojack Horseman! From the old sitcom, 'Horsin' Around." A picture of Bojack is shown. "Not only him, we even have his old rival, Mr. Peanutbutter! Also from a famous sitcom, Mr. Peanutbutters House!" Then a picture of Mr. Peanutbutter is shown. "Both Bojack and Mr. Peanutbutter are going to take some beavers out of a wishing well. Who will make it first to get a grand prize?" asked Tom Oar.

Bojack Horseman, Mr. Peanutbutter, Todd, and Princess Carolyn set off on their journey as soon as they were told about their venture. Little did they know that the Mexican Drug Cartel who was after Todd was secretly following them on their trail. The Mexican Drug Cartel was hidden away in a distance where they can't be seen. Their M.O. was to wait for the right moment to strike. Todd remembered, "I was supposed to pay those drug dealers today!"

"The day is young and as soon as we do this mission for the Mountain Men, you can use the prize money to pay them." conceded Princess Carolyn. The way to the wishing well full of beavers seemed like a long trek. None of them were used to walking in deep snow or climbing mountains. "So. How do you want to do this?" asked Bojack. "Should we split up into two groups or go as separate teams?" "Groups of two teams sound good. We need a partner." said Princess Carolyn.

Todd slapped his hand on Mr. Peanutbutter's shoulder. "PARTNER" cheerfully yelled the drug addict. "It's a relief I'm not teamed up with Bojack. All he'll do is ride my ass about how much better he is." said Mr. Peanutbutter. "Good enough for me. Guess you're my partner, Princess! It'll be like when we used to date and do the horizontal mambo!" said Bojack. "We will have to separate and whoever gets to the well first and takes the beavers out gets the money. May the best team win!" said Princess Carolyn. Bojack Horseman and Princess Carolyn go to the left, while Mr, Peanutbutter and Todd go to the right on the open spaced field. Hours have gone by and neither teams were anywhere near going to the wishing well. "Awww, shit! We must be lost." moaned Bojack. "Don't give me that attitude! Stay focused and positive. Think of all the people who are watching Mountain Men right now. In no time, you might get your career back!" demanded Princess Carolyn.

"All right, sorry. Just not used to being without drugs and beer for so long. There's got to be a beer keg around here somewhere." said Bojack. "How do you think I feel? I'm not used to walking in this deep snow!" bit back Princess Carolyn. "We're a little bit cranky. In pissy moods both of us..." said Bojack. "Yes we are..." Princess Carolyn said. "After being in sunny Hollywoo for so long." Out of nowhere, a big horned sheep came and walked passed Bojack and Princess Carolyn. "Wow! Beautiful creature." said Princess Carolyn. "Think I heard somewhere that those sheep live in the mountains." said Bojack. A mountain goat came to them. "Awww, how cute!" said Princess Carolyn. "Know this sounds stupid but maybe we can ride the goat." said Bojack. "It's a possibility. But we need to find an animal that can sustain us." Princess Carolyn spoke.

Both of them did not like to trek in the deep snow. So Bojack tries to find an easy way. "A moose! Don't those live here?" asked Bojack. "Pretty sure they do." stated Princess Carolyn. "Let's find a moose to have it take us out of this snow, and we can find the wishing well." said Bojack. "At least we're not on Survivor." said Princess Carolyn. Luck came on their side and they found a moose. Bojack tries to get on the moose's back then ride it like a horse. Princess Carolyn laughed, "You're the horse! We ought to be riding you!"

The moose didn't take it too kindly so the moose threw Bojack off it's back by jumping then kicked Bojack in eye and walked away. "We need a find a better way. Can't stand this snow." spoke Bojack in a hopeless tone. "Some survival skills you have!" snarked Princess Carolyn. "Get your ass up out of there!"

Bojack added, "I never really was the pioneer type."

Princess Carolyn said, "Excuses! Excuses! Well I'm not the rugged outdoors cat myself!"

Tom Oar and Rich Lewis back in their cabin were watching both Bojack Horseman and Princess Carolyn. They laughed, "They're nowhere near the wishing well!" said Tom Oar. "Yeah, what was he thinking trying to ride a moose like that!" joked Rich Lewis. "All their doing is complaining!" cracked up both Tom and Rich. "They wouldn't last two days in Montana!" said Tom. "More like two seconds!" giggled Rich. "Let's check in on our other team! Mr. Peanutbutter and some skinny guy." said Tom Oar. Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd were in a forest.

Todd who was glancing around the forest, was clearly convinced that the drug dealers were going to come out and get him at any minute. "Say, didn't you have your own reality show once?" asked Todd. "Why yes. PeanutButter and Jelly. Don't you recall?" answered Mr. Peanutbutter. Todd became increasingly nervous. "Just have a funny ass feeling about this." Mr Peanutbutter tries to reason with him, "Look, I know you are scared of those druggies. But they're not here." Todd said, "They're known to track down anyone who crosses them. Know they're going to beat me and who know what else if I don't pay them off! They could be anywhere by now!" Mr Peanutbutter and Todd both heard a roar. Todd thought it was the Mexican Drug Cartel. "OH NO! It's them! It's the Mexicans! They're coming to rape me! Or worse! Kill me!" panicked Todd.

"Think it's something much more scarier than Mexican Drug Gangs, Todd!" said Mr. Peanutbutter. Before too long, they were both surrounded by a grizzly bear, cougar, coyote, wolf, and a lynx. All the wild forest animals were on the brink of attacking them. "Think we need to play dead." said Mr. Peanutbutter. Todd screeched, "It's them! They're disguised as animals!" "No it's not! Now come on. Let's think of a way to get past these animals before they maul the shit out of us!" demanded Mr. Peanutbutter. Todd still thinks it's the Mexican Drug Dealers in disguise. "But, you don't know what these dudes are capable of!" Todd who was very stressed. "Shut up about those drug dealers! DAMMIT! They're back in Hollywoo! You'll cross that bridge when you come to it!" said Mr. Peanutbutter.

Neither of them knew what to do about the wild forest animals that circled them. "We're sitting ducks unless we do something! They need to be distracted somehow!" Mr. Peanutbutter strategized. "Hey, Mister Experienced in Reality TV! What do we do now?" shouted Todd. "My show only had a few episodes! It was wasn't about what to do stranded in a forest." Mr. Peanutbutter tried to explain. Then the labrador sees some dead rotting fish on a small tree. "THAT'S IT!" exclaimed Mr. Peanutbutter. "What's it?" Todd chided. "Take a fish." said Mr. Peanutbutter grabbing the dead fish from the tree. Todd follows along by taking some fish out of the tree. "On my count, throw the fish. One...two...three!" Mr. Peanutbutter gave the order to Todd to throw the dead fish in the way of the animals.

Overtime, the grizzly bear, cougar, coyote, wolf, and the lynx all ran into the direction the fish were thrown. Todd and Mr. Peanutbutter were free from the danger. "Wow! You sure know your stuff!" Todd stated very impressed at Mr. Peanutbutter's efforts. "Most of them love fish!" said Mr. Peanutbutter. "Not to mention love to fetch you know! Now let's find that wishing well!"

Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd were on their way to find the Wishing Well to win that cash prize.

Tom Oar and Rich Lewis were watching Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd. They were both very impressed with how Mr. Peanutbutter was able to elude the wild animals that surrounded them. "Look at how Mr. Peanutbutter threw those rotting fish!" exclaimed Tom Oar. "He would be able to survive in the wilderness!" said Rich Lewis. "Let's check on in those other two Bojack and his cat girlfriend Or what we like to call them, the Pathetic Team!" said Tom Oar. "Bet they didn't get very far!" said Rich Lewis. Bojack Horseman and Princess Carolyn were still trekking the snow. They were in a snow filled cornfield. "I assume this is where they grow their corn?" asked Bojack. Princess Carolyn walked into a dead cornstalk then proclaimed, "Wise assumption! Great! We are lost with no means of communication. No maps, or food, or whatever else. We have no direction to go! And no idea of where this wishing well is!" Bojack agrees, "I hear ya! When this is over. When I make my huge comeback, I am going to party so hard! I'll be back in the high life again!"

Princess Carolyn gave him a glare. "What? It's a Steve Winwood song!" Bojack said. "What the hell were these shit faces thinking when they made us do this?" "What shit faces?" asked Princess Carolyn. "Tom Oar and Rich Lewis." answered Bojack. "Bojack! Princess!" yelled Mr. Peanutbutter from a distance. Bojack and Princess Carolyn waved to them. "OVER HERE!"

Todd and Mr. Peanutbutter joined Bojack and Princess Carolyn. "You haven't seen any Mexican drug dealers around, have you?" asked Todd. "No we didn't. Where were you two?" asked Princess Carolyn. "Todd and I were in the woods. We were about to get attacked by wild animals. But we outsmarted their asses!" said Mr. Peanutbutter. "As for us, we were stuck here tracking in these fields and snow." said Bojack Horseman. "These hosts of this show could've at least given us some food or even some beer." "Wait, how were you able to make your way around the forest?" asked Princess Carolyn. "I did grow up in Pennsylvania. There was a lot of woods. I'm used to that." said Mr. Peanutbutter.

"Even though we're together we are still split between two teams." reminded Princess Carolyn.

Todd sees something up ahead. "Think I see it!" "You see what, Todd?" asked Bojack. "That (beep)ing wishing well we were supposed to find." said Todd. Bojack looked closer and there is was behind the falling snow. "You are right, Todd! That is the wishing well! Tom Oar and Rich Lewis weren't full of shit like we thought!" said Bojack. "To the wishing well!" charged Princess Carolyn. The four of them ran to the wishing well as fast as they could. Behind them there were some mysterious people on snowmobiles that were coming in their way. It was the Mexican Drug Cartel who was after Todd. "Now I can pay off those drug dealers!" Todd said.

Bojack, Princess Carolyn, Todd, and Mr. Peanutbutter finally made it to the wishing well. "Lets try to look for those beavers!" said Mr. Peanutbutter. "Hope the beavers aren't dead." said Princess Carolyn. Once they were looking into the wishing well for the supposed beavers. The Mexican Drug Cartel drove their snowmobiles to the wishing well and kidnapped Todd. Bojack Horseman, Princess Carolyn, and Mr. Peanutbutter all turned around to see Todd get taken away. Even Rich Lewis and Tom Oar couldn't fathom what they saw. Princess Carolyn could not believe what she had witnessed. "Todd's been abducted. On national television." "Who or what could've done such a thing?" wondered Bojack Horseman.

"I know who. Those druggies! No wonder Todd was so paranoid!" said Mr. Peanutbutter. "How are we going to save him?" cried Princess Carolyn. Bojack can hear Todd scream for help. "BOJACK! MR. PEANUTBUTTER! PRINCESS! HELP!" "How did they follow us?" asked Bojack. "Come on! We're going to rescue Todd!" said Mr. Peanutbutter. "If only we know where to find where they will take him." said Bojack.

Watching them all on the screen, Tom Oar and Rich Lewis said, "What is Bojack and his friends going to do now?" "Their friend got kidnapped! Never mind the wishing well! How will they save their friend?" asked Rich Lewis. "Perhaps, we can lend a hand." said Tom Oar.

Princess Carolyn and Mr. Peanutbutter tried to put their heads together to try to find a way to rescue Todd Chevez. "This could've been a lot worse than this you know. We could be on Jersey Shore." joked Bojack Horseman. "QUIET! LET ME HEAR MYSELF THINK!" shouted Mr. Peanutbutter. "No time for tomfoolery, Bojack!" spouted off Princess Carolyn. "Just trying to make the most out of this difficult situation!" Bojack said defensively. Princess Carolyn saw two more people on snowmobiles unaware that they were Tom Oar and Rich Lewis. "How many drug cartel were after Todd?" she pondered. "I'm beginning to think you're the one who dragged my (beep)ing ass into this." Bojack told off Princess Carolyn.

"You bombed that Mutiny on the Bounty audition. Was doing something that a friend would do for a friend." Princess Carolyn stated. "By buying into this reality TV shit? How is this supposed to get my career back on track?" Bojack spat at the pink cat. "Be lucky I even got you a TV gig. Ought to be thanking me!" said Princess Carolyn.

"Thank you for what? Stranding us out in the middle in a snow plank? Beginning to think that you're responsible for this Mountain Men..." Bojack fought back. Mr. Peanutbutter intervened. "Knock this shit off! Both of you!" Princess Carolyn and Bojack got the message. "Nobody is at fault here. All we need is some help." said Mr. Peanutbutter. Tom Oar and Rich Lewis got off their snowmobiles and took off their helmets. "It's us!" they said. "The hosts of this show?" asked Bojack. "We have been monitoring you and saw everything that happened." explained Rich Lewis. "Do you have a contingency plan?" asked Bojack. "We do now! Just get on our snowmobiles and follow the tracks and it will lead us straight to your friend." said Tom Oar. Bojack, Princess Carolyn, and Mr. Peanutbutter agreed to ride with Tom Oar and Rich Lewis. "I used to be a lion tamer. Think I know how lead a rescue mission." said Rich Lewis. Everyone boarded on the snowmobiles and followed the tracks that the Mexican Drug Cartel left behind.

Rich Lewis and Tom Oar followed the tracks and learned that the snowtracks were being lead to a cabin. Everyone got off the snowmobiles. "There's still going to be a cash prize, right?" asked Bojack. "The reason why we even came on this show was that our friend was in debt to those druggies." said Mr. Peanutbutter. Rich Lewis and Tom Oar could not believe what they just heard. "You're on your own." "Forget the money, too!" They both said as they drove away on their snowmobiles. "Fat lot of help they were." Bojack said with a tone of resentment in his voice. Mr. Peanutbutter looked into the cabin window and sure enough, he was the Mexican Drug Cartel holding Todd prisoner. Todd was tied and gagged to a chair. "There goes my comeback." Bojack said sadly. "Lots of people will be Tweeting about this." said Princess Carolyn. "Todd's in there! We are going in!" said Mr. Peanutbutter.

Bojack was hesitant. "How can we?" asked the horse actor. "Break in and beat the ever loving shit and (beep) out of everyone! Get ready to kick some ass!" shouted Mr. Peanutbutter. "Isn't there any way we cannot resort to violence?" asked Princess Carolyn. "Feel like I'm on that Green Hornet show from the 60s. No, no." Bojack shook his head. "Can't do this. Just...can't!" Mr. Peanutbutter grabbed Bojack by the arm. "We are going in and facing those druggies!" "NO! We'll get killed! You insane?" screamed Bojack frightfully. "We are kicking some ass! Now come with me!" shouted Mr. Peanutbutter. "NO! NO! NO! Don't you see those assholes? They're armed with guns!" Bojack yelled. "None of us have any fighting skills!"

"I do! Gosh! This is just like The Edge. I'm Anthony Hopkins and you're Alec Baldwin. Let's get in there!" demanded Mr, Peanutbutter. Princess Carolyn looked around the cabin as Bojack was being hassled by Mr. Peanutbutter. She saw Todd was being threatened by the drug dealers. "TALK!" "PAY UP!" all of them demanded. Princess Carolyn then saw a valve, she sees that the valve leads to a propane tank. Princess Carolyn turns on the valve and within seconds all the drug dealers were getting sleepy and fell to the ground. Mr. Peanutbutter and Bojack were still on fighting terms. "You guys! It's over!" she announced. "What's over?" asked Bojack. "I found a valve that was hooked up to a propane tank. I turned it and then the drug dealers got put to sleep. Better than resorting to violence and bloodshed." said Princess Carolyn.

"You're a princess who saved the day! How about that!" complemented Bojack. The three of them went inside and found Todd. Bojack ran to untie Todd. "You look as bad as I do when I'm drunk, Todd." "They were after me! They followed us here! Do you believe me now?" Todd screamed. "Yes we do." said Mr. Peanutbutter. "They won't be a problem for you, anymore." Bojack helped Todd off the chair then he tripped over a handle on the floor. Underneath the floor there was $5000. "$5000! We got the cash prize money after all!" said Bojack. "Even though they ditched us because we mentioned drugs." said Mr. Peanutbutter. "Let's go back to Holywoo!" said Bojack. "Now that I don't have to pay the dealers, we can keep this money for ourselves!" said Todd.

The day after their stint on Mountain Men, Bojack and his friends leave via airplane, Montana and go back to Hollywoo. Bojack's apperance on Mountain Men proved to be a success, but not enough for a major comeback. "Once again, my big comeback is ruined." said Bojack sadly. "Guess reality TV doesn't ensure a comeback." said Princess Carolyn who tried the best she could. Todd was grateful that he was rescued. "You really saved my ass back there, Mr. Peanutbutter!" "Could you believe Bojack was scared to go into the cabin." laughed Mr. Peanutbutter. Bojack rolled his eyes at his rival's remark. As Bojack sat in Diane Nguyen's office.

"Here's something new you can put in my autobiography." said Bojack.

"What might that be?" asked Diane. "Let me guess what you want to call it. Getting rugged with redneck slobs?"

"Call the latest chapter, 'My Time In The Mountains'." said Bojack.

"Was aware you were on Mountain Men. You were great in that." inquired Diane. "Tell me more about it."

Bojack Horseman explained to Diane about his experience on Mountain Men. That was until Mr. Peanutbutter barged in.

"BOJACK! GREAT NEWS! THERE'S A PARTY GOING ON IN YOUR HONOR!"

"There is? Where is it at?" asked Bojack.

"Down the street! Let's go!" said Mr. Peanutbutter.

Bojack says, "Goodbye, Diane! Tell you later!" Diane groaned discouraged. Bojack and Mr. Peanutbutter went to the party that was to celebrate his stint on Mountain Men. Todd joined the party and Bojack, Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd all had fun until they were hung over.

As for the Mexican Drug Cartel, once they came out of the propane induced sleep. They were all lost in the Montana wilderness for days on end. The Mexican Drug Cartel were never seen or heard from again.

The End

The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production!


End file.
